Diffrent

Mr. Blue eyes spring break this year looking Little  DIFFERENT

Cancer looks different for everyone, it comes in different forms and stages. It comes with different fears and worries because of who we are. It can be a quick easy journey, or long an even never ending.

In our community we just found out recently that a little boy in the fourth grade has Cancer.  This is the same age of  Mr. Blue eyes was when he got his. IT has hit close to home and close to our hearts. Our hearts have been heavy and to say the least and full of prayers for not just Him, but his family.

Today Mr. Blue eyes came home arguing with his brother about something silly.  He was upset.  It was after this that he saw me looking at this families face book page.  He then said this family is getting a lot more attention then us.  Why mom????  They have bracelets, shirts and everyone at school is all about team ..... Then he proceeded to to tell me that kids at school were being mean and saying that his cancer was nothing because this other kids is so much worse.  He goes on with tears in his eyes saying that a lot of kids have made comments to him about him not getting this kind of attention when he got cancer. Why not???

My mama heart broke into pieces. I talked to him about how this kiddo is going to a different hospital just for kids and that he has lived here all his life and so have his parents.  They are deeply rooted in the community of baseball here, which is everything in this town.
I reminded him that we only had lived here 2 1/2 years when he got cancer and that we have family and  friends all over that loved us and prayed for us.  Many spoiled him.  Not many people even knew about our journey only people from church (they were awesome) and a few at school.  We did not try to hide it we just did not have many of our people here, they were mostly far away.
I reminded him that this little guy is sick and has been hospitalized this week a lot.  I hugged him several time and empathized that all of those comments from other kids were hurt full and mean.  I reminded him how blessed he was to be loved by the people that loved and touched him.

First day of school..

Mr.Blue eyes first day of of 5th grade! He got the perfect teacher he is so excited!

Last year just two boys walked to school(see picture below) while Mr. Blue Eyes was in cancer treatment. It was hard to watch, it made me much more emotional than I had expected.  I always torture the kids with excessive amount of photos trying capture these special moments in life.  This morning was no exception to my hobby of preserving these memories.

This picture was just taken for my heart to do some mending.

I loved this day, I loved seeing them walk together and I truly cherished something greater than I have in years prior to him getting cancer.  So perhaps another gift along the way is to appreciate more fully and perhaps in a different capacity these moments in life.  

Fresh on the HEART

A friend of mine said today that this season of time between now and the beginning of Mr. Blue eyes journey with Cancer must still be fresh on the Heart.  I felt her compassion and validation for what I have been feeling but have shared with few.
So here I find myself once again vulnerable to what life brought us and brings us daily.  This summer was not just and average roller coaster ride, it was one of slow motion and low speeds, dirt, grim and sorrow for the soul of this mother. Not the kind of sadness and worry of last year but something new. First and for most gratitude for a healthy Mr.Blue eyes.  But secondly deep depression for the fight and ride that was ridden and fought fiercely not with medicine but with the heart and soul that only a mother can understand. Hanging on gripping tight to faith, God, family and friends. The passing of the summer brought memories of the discovery phase from last year of cancer with its intense emotional pull on the heart. I don't think when we are in crisis mode we can process all of what is happening.  However when the ends and life gets back to the new normal then you as a mother have to process, not push back what you don't want to remember or feel but truly embrace and except that was ruff', it was hard.  I just need to validate that even with a ton of support, faith and love that this was Tough.   Without thinking or even dwelling on it my body was living the blues this summer, it was tired from emotions of last year. Now I am better after some Therapy,self love and Herbal depression medication and time passing. LOL!  I know that not every mother is like me some are less emotional and process these situations differently. However I know that many will feel as I have felt and  I hope now they feel that it is OK because sometimes we just need time to heal when things are fresh on the heart.

Finally......Relief

It has been a little over three months since we got the first clear scan.  Since the second clear scan It has finally felt like a 

relief 

to me. 

 I was happy with the results of the first scan but did not completely trust or have the ability at that time to truly feel a sense of relief.  It was far to crazy coming down off the cancer ride to feel much of anything.  I was on some days barley functioning and a bit numb and depressed.
Having some distance from the event has  helped gain perspective and feel secure in life again.  Fear of the unknown had driven me to a place of uncertainty.  I think this is partly normal however I was so afraid that I would loss my little guy even though things looked good for his recovery.  I lost any sense of safety that I once known.   I wanted control, I want to know that everything would be OK.  I am now more certain than ever that this is part of the journey it is a part of finding our own courage to trust in a loving Heavenly Father and the experience of life.
 NO MATTER WHAT EVERYTHING WILL BE OK!
(and this comes with time and with healing and with trusting in the Lord)   

 I have become something more than I once was.  I have become more open, loving, kinder,sensitive, giving and refined.  I am not sure I would scream "please let me have this trail in life, let me watch my son suffer with cancer."  NO I would not but at the same time,  I see that these very experiences have brought me to a new me,  that have expanded my soul.  I have learned that trusting God is not always easy that in order to truly surrender our hearts we have to face the very thing we may have feared the most. 

I now marvel in the
joy
that has crept back into my heart and the laughter that now fills my soul.  I trust, I trust life and I trust in
God.

2013 comes to an END!

Tonight I watched Mr. Blue eyes celebrate New Years, dancing singing and waving signs.  It was a nice reflection from thinking about the worries and sometimes dark days we have been through over the last year. I was happy, happy, happy but there was a twinge in my heart and ache for the year that we and many other have faced.  Suffering and growth that I can not describe accurately.

I am ready to turn the page and shelf the book for a while from 2013.  It triumph was amazing but we are really looking for the new normal to feel more normal.  I am not sure that happens....

The worries and struggles of life are there regardless of having cancer or not.  We really need to live each day to the fullest.  We are Feeling a heart full of blessing that we have life to live.. This life is all about, loving, family, friends, relationships, growth, enjoying, learning and having faith.  Since this is life it means that sometimes we will suffer. That was a tough year of suffering.    We are so thankful for all the support  from the heavens and the strength and support that has been rendered to our family.

Welcoming 2014!

Reflective

 

A sweet Friend to our family offered to take pictures for us to document this season of our lives.   I love this picture of Mr. Blue Eyes and his sister.  The picture is reflective and that is how I feel today.  I sat down to write our Christmas letter and tears poured down my checks.  What a year it has been, what news to share.
  We have all grown so much this year.  Ways we would not have guessed we could have.  Especially Mr. Blue Eyes and his parents have seriously experienced our soul expanding.
I just happened to look at the overview of Mr. Blue Eyes blog today I have written 100 post.  I was so shocked but even more shocked that we have had over 20,000 page views his blog and journey.  It makes me feel so translucent to be this open as it is truly not in my nature.   I quickly remind myself that  this is for someone else too, for someone who may need to not feel so alone in there own journey with this disease.  This disease is bigger than the transparency I wish I could hide.  It is not a journey anyone should travel alone. 

Two Month...... Cancer free Check up

 

 

Mr.Blue Eyes was shy today with the staff and his doctor.  The appointment snuck up on us.  A lot has gone during the last month.  He is settling into things as well as he can for all he has been through.
He is still struggling to sleep independently, his ability to focus and his appetite is still not as it used to be he is actually eating less than ever now. Don't think he has giving up on Tapatio though he still loves that.  As far as his physical health is going he has had one cold since going back to school and seems to have gotten through that.  His blood count was lower today at a 4 but Dr. Armenian said that that is OK and he is doing fine even though this reading is lower than last month.  We loved seeing our nurses and are bummed to find out that our blood draws are now going to be in a different location so we will not be seeing them every month now.  We will really miss them they have been so good to Mr.Blue Eyes.
It was nice to be reassured by the doctor that every thing seems normal and good.
From my perspective this was a ponderous appointment.  It has been two months since the scan came back clear of cancer.  Wow!  It is actually starting to feel like more of a relief now, it helps to have more distance from that day.   Hopefully we will see in next months scan that the same holds true.
Feeling very blessed to be sitting with these 
thoughts of gratitude today.

Bald Buddies

 

 

 Not a lot of words for the tenderness I feel around this day two weeks ago.  A great friend of mine that I had posted about earlier on the blog recently got breast cancer was over at the house today.  She arrived with only 1/3 of the hair on her head that had fallen out in just the 4 days since I last saw her.  Her daughters came with her and her sister joined also.  We made the best of what can be so hard into a party.  We laughed shaved a Mohawk and even bicked it.  I had colored a wig for her two times trying to bring it blond enough.  I had stressed over it and quite frankly prayed over it.  I had not touched a wig since I was trained as a Cosmetologist.  Prayer and a little bit of skill  payed off she left feeling great.  She was brave, strong and courageous.  So proud of her I know today was not a day she had looked forward to.  Mr Blue eyes was cute with her so here is to two very beautiful bald heads.

Giving Thanks

This year I really wanted the kids to be more mindful of  the meaning of gratitude and being
 THANKFUL. It was 19 days late to get it done but we have a tree of thanks now to help us to be more mindful of our blessings.
The echoes of the journey still resinate loud in my soul.  I know now that they do for our whole family.  As the kids starting righting things they were thankful for to hang on our Tree of Thanks this is what came. Thank you for Dr. Armenian, City of Hope, Prayer, Nurses, Life, food, tapatio, family, God, undies, ect......

 

This was Mr. Blue Eyes bundle of thanks that he wrote...

 We certainly are feeling the emence graduated of a recovery from Mr. Blue Eyes Lymphoma. It has been a time of thanks that has brought on a whole new meaning of what is truly important.  Reflective and ever grateful for the power of  Heaven that gave us all the strength to endure.

First Day of School

First day of School November 2013

Walking to school backpack loaded and ready to go!

Renee our awesome social worker

 

WOW!  Mr. Blue Eyes went to a little over one hour of school today.  He will be doing half days the rest of the week.  When we arrived at school a large crowd of kids gathered around him.  He was overwhelmed with the crowd he is not much for being in the spotlight.  He finally was nudged by the social worker to go play in the school yard.  He lept like a gazelle into the yard trying to escape all the attention.   I was also overwhelmed by the attention, but not in the same way.  What a  great moment to witness these amazing kids being kind to our son.  He is returning to school after winning his battle with cancer.
He got to have our social worker from City of Hope be there with him to talk to his class.  Her name is Renee and she is  loving and sweet.  She brought his class little coloring books that they read a story of a kiddo with cancer.  The class mates were inquisitive, asking a lot of questions and were so kind to Mr. Blue Eyes.  He also got to talk about the poster we had made together of his journey with cancer. It had a lot of pictures on it all ones that he picked.  I was so proud of him for being brave, talking and sharing his experiences.

My perspective today was that I was so happy to see him going back to school and reentering the world.  I feel so so lucky and blessed that we have arrived at this place.  The other element of this day and week is that I have protected him from the world, loving him making sure he is coping and processing all of the change around him.  This has been more than a full time job (I am not complaining I would do it again)  but today it changed I had to let him go.  It was worse than sending him off to kindergarten. I seriously felt like such a sap, but letting go of a cute bald cancer free 9 year old is hard.  Especially for this mom. Though I am happy to see this happening,  I will miss our days together I will miss that I cannot protect him from the world of germs and those who are none empathetic to him.  It was a huge reality of our journey when I saw our beautiful boy standing in the play yard at school today with his little bald head amongst those with hair.  There are moments when I see him as if to look at him for the first time with no hair, reminding me of the road traveled over this long summer.  I chock back a few good tears and remind myself that he did it.  He kicked cancer! He will only look different from the outside a little bit longer but on the inside he wears many badges of courage and hardship.  I wear my badges of this journey with a more tender outlook on life and reminders of Gods infinite grace and mercy.  We really have to cherish every moment they only happen once. So today I cherish letting go.....

" I know that head"

We made a quick trip to the store and I brought Mr. Blue Eyes.  We had just grabbed some orange juice when a lady came up to him and said,

" I know that head, I have had one!" 

This stranger talked to him told him how strong and cute he was she hugged him twice and rubbed his head.  They shared there types of cancers and we said goodbye.  As we walked away Mr. Blue Eyes said " Mom do we know that lady."  I said no but she knows something about you." 

As we were checking out I ran into her again.  I shared with her that she was incredibly sweet and it meant a lot to us for he to visit with him.  She shared that 10 years ago when she was fighting cancer she was in an airport and a stranger hugged her and did the same thing that she had just done to Mr. Blue Eyes.   She said that the hug and support had meant so much she always hugs those special bald heads now.  She hugged me and said "stay strong everything's going to be ok."  I said "yes I know (my eyes brimming with tears)  I am just still a little raw from everything." "It just takes time...." she said.....

Touched! LOVED! Supported by a stranger! AMAZING!  A lesson on not being afraid or living in fear of what is in front of you.  What if she had not said nothing...... it is uncomfortable to know what to say for a lot of people but big smiles and conversations offer so much.... a reminder to be strong enough to get uncomfortable and reach out to others especially to the bald heads.

Being BRAVE because of you

My little Mr. Blue Eyes has made me be a stronger person.  He has helped me build courage and have more vigor and passion in my life.

I think that is why often our life experiences are our greatest teachers.

I am not the same and never will be.   I was not going to share this but I am documenting his journey.  He has reminded me several times how he has helped me to be brave with this particular thing.  I shared it with him after the first procedure.  I told him that after all we have been though with him this seemed smaller than it used to be. 

Prior to cancer becoming a high priority I had booked three necessary  procedures for Edovascular Laser/ Phlebectomy's.  It  would total eight hours of procedures on my legs in 4 weeks time.  The recovery from the last is 3-4 weeks after the last procedure. To my surprise as it approached I was not worried or stressed.  I had my hubster dump me off at the curb and a friend pick me up when it was over. 

 Yes I am a little crazy for doing this at this time but I am of the mind set to just

get all of it over with at once.  

So I did and it has been hard to be a gimp and living with pain. 

However I am OK and will be much better when i don't look like someone beat me. 

So I lay in the sun grateful for a little boy who taught me I can do hard things to be 

braver today than yesterday.

So though I am a gimpasaurus I am glad I had this little brave child of mine and a 

loving Heavenly father who touch my soul and let me grow.

Why

I am sure as time goes on we will truly understand what this quote says and means to our family.  

The dust is settling from the storm we are feeling a bit of the sun on our backs again, we are finding our new normal! 

It has been a hard journey one that has changed us and strengthened us in many ways.

Last Friday I found out that a dear friend has breast cancer, another is getting a divorce another lost her baby at almost 19 weeks along in her pregnancy.  My heart is already raw and now is so sad.  How could so many things be happening all at once to all these great people.   I found great strength in a comment a sweet friend had left on this blog.

 "God reveals Himself and His way to us in such unexpected ways..You are so loved. Rest in Him knowing that He NEVER leaves you or forsakes you no matter what it looks or feels like. Rest and let Him heal you! "And we know that God causes ALL THINGS to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." 

So we offer faith, support, friendship , prayers & love....

Prayers of Thank You

It has been profound for us to discover how many people have known of Mr. Blue Eyes' journey. Many people have said they have prayed for him every day. That has touched our hearts so deeply, that others have prayed for his healing. I have never felt such a sense of pure gratitude for the hearts and love and thoughts of others. My prayer for each of you is that God will bless you with all you need. Thank you for being selfless and praying for our Mr. Blue Eyes.
Life can be hard, and one of the best ways to handle that for us has always been through prayer. Something profound happens when you pray. We have learned that prayers bring love, healing, strength, comfort and, when God wills it, miracles. We got to pray last year for a baby named Liam who could not walk, and now he does. We have also prayed for Darrin McCleve and Cousin Karl, who had cancer. Cousin Karl is looking as healthy as ever, and Darrin joined the ranks in heaven last December, he will be missed.
It was a great teaching tool for our children and a blessing to all of us.
Thank you!

Lower than a Snake' s Belly

One Exhausted Mom: I think for myself, I am still in shock that the cancer is gone. I wish today that knowledge had brought me more comfort. I feel like we fought a battle and won, but somehow, the war is not over. I have felt like I have had to hold it together — to fight, to not stop looking up, so as to not completely loose it. (Though I have lost it on many occasions.) I am no longer holding it together. I am officially going down, tears, fears and all!!! That roller coaster ride I was on has officially crashed.
I have been in a completely different mode of life. I have been a nurse, a counselor, a mom and companion to my Mr. Blue Eyes, along with taking care of everyone else in the family. I have had very little time to process these events, I have mostly had to just push through. I have been living at a heightened level for months now. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I did not have a choice whether I could do it or not, I just did it. To be completely honest, this stinks. I hurt everywhere. My heart is raw. The let down from living this way is immense, and I am sure it is just going to take longer than I thought to find our new normal. I wish I were jumping up and down, but the fact is that I have a kid with a compromised immune system, and I am scared to death of his reentry into the world. It makes me feel sick to think about it. Cancer is gone, but not the unease of knowing it could come back. There is a lot to adjust to. I also feel guilty after seeing all the other moms at the hospital taking care of the cancer-ridden kids, and mine is going to be OK and theirs are not yet. Fourteen percent of them will not even make it. That breaks my heart. This is a war that must be won. I will never stop fighting for it.

Someone dear to me said that I seem so strong from what she has read on the blog. I assured her I am not. Anyone with this battle ahead would do what I did. I am just a normal mom that tried to help my son fight in his battle with cancer. I have recorded it for him, for my family and friends, and for any mom out there who may be in my shoes. (Follow the link to a post I wrote mid-journey that I just got brave enough to publish.)   So to be real with her, and anyone else who is reading this, I am not going to hide the extent and cost of this journey, and how I feel on this dark night. This has been unbelievably hard. I am just a normal person falling apart, or as my Aunt says, feeling "LOWER THAN A SNAKES BELLY."  I'm not sure how this will go, but I will feel it, grieve it, and eventually I will get myself together again.  So this will be my quote to hold onto tonight. I am sure in the morning a new day will look brighter.

We are all gearing up for the scan tomorrow.  Holding our breath,crossing our fingers and toes!!! (We really hold our breath when we look at this picture up close seeing all the FLAMING HOT CHEETOS and residue in Mr. Blue Eyes Teeth from gorging on them.)  Mr. Blue Eyes comments that "he does not want to do it and the part of that that he does not want to do is the whole thing.  I just wish they could just tell without it."  I wish they could to but until then 
Mr.Blue Eyes is going Radioactive
tomorrow.

Notes from Mom.  Tomorrow is the day we have been waiting for that tells us what kind of work the chemo has done.  The odds are good so we are hope full.   I tend to be of the mind set that if it is not gone we will fight harder and longer.  We know more about what it means to go through treatment. I am not afraid anymore to fight.  I hope with all my heart he will not have to do this again however  I will do anything for my Mr. Blue Eyes.   This experience has changed me.  Mostly for the better though I have never been through anything harder.  I will advocate for children's cancers and never forget how this experience has touched our hearts so closely. 
 I wrote in one of the first post and later found it quoted in a talk.  I read it over and over again.: 
Orson F. Whitney said: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. … All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.”⁵

Recently a nine-year-old boy was diagnosed with a rare bone cancer. The doctor explained the diagnosis and the treatment, which included months of chemotherapy and major surgery. He said it would be a very difficult time for the boy and his family but then added, “People ask me, ‘Will I be the same after this is over?’ I tell them, ‘No, you won’t be the same. You will be so much stronger. You will be awesome!’”

Mr. Blue Eyes will be stronger,  stronger in spirit and as his body recovers that will be stronger too. God is forever my strength, prayer continues to be my rock.  So glad God has this in his hands.  We trust that Mr.Blue Eyes will live the life God intended.

Taking care of the soul

This is the quote that is in the rose garden area of the hospital. It is the one I attempted to quote some time ago on this blog. I love it! I did not even notice that there was a garden there. I have been so in the "getting my boy to chemo" mode that i did not notice it. That is very unlike me.
Today was the first time in months that my soul has felt lighter. We went to the doctor and had no chemo and possibly never will again. This has been one of the longest summers of my life. Mr. Blue Eyes has said it has sure been a longgggggg summer vacation for me. I marvel that he can still call it a vacation. WOW!

Awareness

I have had little awareness of CHILDREN'S CANCERS until I started the journey with Mr. Blue Eyes.  September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. Its ribbon is Gold.
So today I share to bring awareness.
This link is important to read. 
It is alarming, but enlightening for all of us.
Mr. Blue Eyes' ribbon color is lime green. I did not even know before he got lymphoma. In fact, I only thought pink ribbons existed. There are many. We are rocking the
lime GREEN (press the green to see more)

 

Mr. Blue Eyes is getting by today, low energy, still feeling a lot of stomach pain. We are still on the meds to help get him through. He did play Phase 10 with his dad and brothers today!

ANYTHING

Anything for YOU...

This is a harder post to actually get out there, because it echoes the sentiments of the heart. Not just any heart, but the heart of the mother of a very special nine-year-old, Mr. Blue Eyes who is fighting the battle with cancer. This journey has been hard, heartbreaking, and, at times, unbearable. I have wanted to hide from the world for fear I will just cry and fall apart. I have lost sleep. I have fought depression and anxiety. I have, on some days, felt I would lose my mind and all my strength.
God is aware of us and all that we need, just keep looking up. I am....(at least most of the time).

One of the many reasons I am keeping a blog of this experience is for you, the mother reading this who has found out that your child has cancer. First of all, I am sorry that you are here. But know that you are not alone. You will get through this. You will find you are stronger and braver than you ever thought you were.  Why?  Because you have to be. You have a little person depending on you for their hope, recovery, and strength.  You can do this...

I would never have thought this experience could give me gifts, but it has:

~I know now more than ever that God has always been there. My rock, my strength.

~I have been given a greater capacity to love. I love my kids more today than I did yesterday. Life is fragile; it must be cherished. Is it perfect? NO! But being aware of how we love is important. It is important to love..... to stretch.... to not give up on those we love....

~Time with my Mr. Blue Eyes. Time together everyday and night. He has been sleeping in our bed and is rarely far from my side. I have been given a gift of time; time I will never get back. We are very close, and I cherish that, in this hard time, he is my gift. To know him is to love him. It makes me smile to see his tender heart, funny sense of humor, acceptance of life, and his strength.

~I have come to see just how much people love me and my family. A good friend said to me, "I will do anything for you." With tears welling in my eyes, I said quietly, "I will need anything." It has been hard to accept help, kindness, and Anything. However, we have needed it. It has helped. It is amazing to truly feel the love of others. I cannot say that before this happened I had any idea how loved I was. I had no idea that my family was loved this much by others. It is in these times that we see the true depth of another's soul — the very best of them. My people in particular have been, well... Amazing.

~I have felt the power and strength of being prayed for and fasted for. I have been comforted, strengthened and lifted.

~I have come to not hate the word "cancer." I used to, because it stole my dad from me when he was only 30. Now that I have a cute little nine-year-old with it, I cannot hate it, that would give it more power.  I just wish it to leave my little guy's body. I hope that someday no one will ever have to hurt from it again or be in this situation. Hate is gone, and healing is the only way.

~Family, what would I do without them? I am thankful for their planned trips here just to help, for their constantly checking on us, texting, and leaving comments on the blog. I have thought everyday, "I will do this on my own." Guess what... I can't!

~I have learned that to grow is to be refined in a the fires of life. I am still in them, but I see the growth...

~It is humbling to realize that motherhood presents us with a chance to see what we would do for our children. The answer for me is, "Anything." I am more of the person I would like to be because I have had to set aside my needs for Corban and for my other children — talk about perspective and realizing what is most important. WOW! That has been a gift. Motherhood has always been a gift that just keeps giving. This experience has only made that gift more powerful.

~I have spent a good part of my life learning to give back: to donate quilts, school supplies, etc. http://mormon.org/values/humanitarian-aid.  I have sometimes wondered if it really made a difference.  WELL it does... I have seen the hospital care for our son with these special toys and blankets, even birthday gifts the day he had testing done on his birthday. It made all the difference. Why? Because when you're down, you need lifting. You need love. I once heard a saying that went something like this: "It is important to keep the soul happy, or there would be no point of treatment." What we do and how we give back matters.  I will be an advocate for children's cancer forever now. I will give with more conviction, knowing that it does matter. We can make a difference.

~I am in awe of those who have forged the path before me, for those who have loved through, endured, and even lost to cancer. They have created things like beads of courage, programs for families who have need of support, etc. We are not alone!

My advice on what to do: take breaks; you're going to need them. Pray and fill yourself with good, spiritually uplifting music and reading material. I am still learning the art of this. When I actually get out, I usually turn to a puddle of tears as I drive. You cannot be low around your little warrior, so I have really crashed when I have gotten out.  Accept all the help anyone offers. Basically Anything! (I know this is hard, but you will see you need it.) Let people love you and pray for your family. Talk about it, so it does not eat your soul. Be positive, especially to your little one.
                                                                               NEVER LOSE HOPE!!!!!

Ramblings

A few notes from the mom.... Usually the clinic does not bother me anymore, seeing everyone, all in the same boat, just with different types of problems.  Truly cancer is never a good thing, but we are blessed with a short chemo run and great hopes of a good outcome. Today, however, it pulled at me and left me feeling sad. I ached for the other moms, all with their kids. Then I dropped the little brother at school and went home and shut all the doors to my room and cried. Did I really just take one of our kids to his brother's chemo appointment? The reality is a shocker sometimes. Just when I thought I was A ROCK, I turned to water. This is hard... I have to think that God has a fleet of angels for hospitals. They need them; we all need them.