ANYTHING

Anything for YOU...

This is a harder post to actually get out there, because it echoes the sentiments of the heart. Not just any heart, but the heart of the mother of a very special nine-year-old, Mr. Blue Eyes who is fighting the battle with cancer. This journey has been hard, heartbreaking, and, at times, unbearable. I have wanted to hide from the world for fear I will just cry and fall apart. I have lost sleep. I have fought depression and anxiety. I have, on some days, felt I would lose my mind and all my strength.
God is aware of us and all that we need, just keep looking up. I am....(at least most of the time).

One of the many reasons I am keeping a blog of this experience is for you, the mother reading this who has found out that your child has cancer. First of all, I am sorry that you are here. But know that you are not alone. You will get through this. You will find you are stronger and braver than you ever thought you were.  Why?  Because you have to be. You have a little person depending on you for their hope, recovery, and strength.  You can do this...

I would never have thought this experience could give me gifts, but it has:

~I know now more than ever that God has always been there. My rock, my strength.

~I have been given a greater capacity to love. I love my kids more today than I did yesterday. Life is fragile; it must be cherished. Is it perfect? NO! But being aware of how we love is important. It is important to love..... to stretch.... to not give up on those we love....

~Time with my Mr. Blue Eyes. Time together everyday and night. He has been sleeping in our bed and is rarely far from my side. I have been given a gift of time; time I will never get back. We are very close, and I cherish that, in this hard time, he is my gift. To know him is to love him. It makes me smile to see his tender heart, funny sense of humor, acceptance of life, and his strength.

~I have come to see just how much people love me and my family. A good friend said to me, "I will do anything for you." With tears welling in my eyes, I said quietly, "I will need anything." It has been hard to accept help, kindness, and Anything. However, we have needed it. It has helped. It is amazing to truly feel the love of others. I cannot say that before this happened I had any idea how loved I was. I had no idea that my family was loved this much by others. It is in these times that we see the true depth of another's soul — the very best of them. My people in particular have been, well... Amazing.

~I have felt the power and strength of being prayed for and fasted for. I have been comforted, strengthened and lifted.

~I have come to not hate the word "cancer." I used to, because it stole my dad from me when he was only 30. Now that I have a cute little nine-year-old with it, I cannot hate it, that would give it more power.  I just wish it to leave my little guy's body. I hope that someday no one will ever have to hurt from it again or be in this situation. Hate is gone, and healing is the only way.

~Family, what would I do without them? I am thankful for their planned trips here just to help, for their constantly checking on us, texting, and leaving comments on the blog. I have thought everyday, "I will do this on my own." Guess what... I can't!

~I have learned that to grow is to be refined in a the fires of life. I am still in them, but I see the growth...

~It is humbling to realize that motherhood presents us with a chance to see what we would do for our children. The answer for me is, "Anything." I am more of the person I would like to be because I have had to set aside my needs for Corban and for my other children — talk about perspective and realizing what is most important. WOW! That has been a gift. Motherhood has always been a gift that just keeps giving. This experience has only made that gift more powerful.

~I have spent a good part of my life learning to give back: to donate quilts, school supplies, etc. http://mormon.org/values/humanitarian-aid.  I have sometimes wondered if it really made a difference.  WELL it does... I have seen the hospital care for our son with these special toys and blankets, even birthday gifts the day he had testing done on his birthday. It made all the difference. Why? Because when you're down, you need lifting. You need love. I once heard a saying that went something like this: "It is important to keep the soul happy, or there would be no point of treatment." What we do and how we give back matters.  I will be an advocate for children's cancer forever now. I will give with more conviction, knowing that it does matter. We can make a difference.

~I am in awe of those who have forged the path before me, for those who have loved through, endured, and even lost to cancer. They have created things like beads of courage, programs for families who have need of support, etc. We are not alone!

My advice on what to do: take breaks; you're going to need them. Pray and fill yourself with good, spiritually uplifting music and reading material. I am still learning the art of this. When I actually get out, I usually turn to a puddle of tears as I drive. You cannot be low around your little warrior, so I have really crashed when I have gotten out.  Accept all the help anyone offers. Basically Anything! (I know this is hard, but you will see you need it.) Let people love you and pray for your family. Talk about it, so it does not eat your soul. Be positive, especially to your little one.
                                                                               NEVER LOSE HOPE!!!!!