It has been a little over three months since we got the first clear scan. Since the second clear scan It has finally felt like a
relief
to me.
I was happy with the results of the first scan but did not completely trust or have the ability at that time to truly feel a sense of relief. It was far to crazy coming down off the cancer ride to feel much of anything. I was on some days barley functioning and a bit numb and depressed.
Having some distance from the event has helped gain perspective and feel secure in life again. Fear of the unknown had driven me to a place of uncertainty. I think this is partly normal however I was so afraid that I would loss my little guy even though things looked good for his recovery. I lost any sense of safety that I once known. I wanted control, I want to know that everything would be OK. I am now more certain than ever that this is part of the journey it is a part of finding our own courage to trust in a loving Heavenly Father and the experience of life.
NO MATTER WHAT EVERYTHING WILL BE OK!
(and this comes with time and with healing and with trusting in the Lord)
I have become something more than I once was. I have become more open, loving, kinder,sensitive, giving and refined. I am not sure I would scream "please let me have this trail in life, let me watch my son suffer with cancer." NO I would not but at the same time, I see that these very experiences have brought me to a new me, that have expanded my soul. I have learned that trusting God is not always easy that in order to truly surrender our hearts we have to face the very thing we may have feared the most.
I now marvel in the
joy
that has crept back into my heart and the laughter that now fills my soul. I trust, I trust life and I trust in
God.
